true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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