I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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