mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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