So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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