dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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