You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I will be naked everywhere
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
