i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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