If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
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Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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