pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.