kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
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Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?