I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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