If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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