Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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