I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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