then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
