i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
