If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
