i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
