I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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