It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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