you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
