kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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