The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
