1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
