im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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