A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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