i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
