oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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