apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
