I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
