The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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