how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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