Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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