I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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