my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
