i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
