she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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