Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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