And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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