I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
