Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
