Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
