I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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