He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
