I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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