you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
