She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
