First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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