You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
