he thought i was a dude.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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