u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
