i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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