textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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