I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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