Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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