Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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