So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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