you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
