fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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