you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
